It's Monday and I'm Manly, or so I'm made to think

When I was in the conceptual stage for the new blog format, this was the first idea I had.

I've always wanted to pen an advice column, since there are few joys in this world greater than telling someone else they're doing something wrong since they're not doing it the way I do it.

That being said, you may be wanting to ask for my credentials. Why am I qualified to write this weekly advice-giving wankfest? Because my marriage is not in a shambolic state, which instantly separates from nearly everyone I know.

Let's get to it, shall we?

The first thing I want to address is something that I think is causing many of the problems in today's American marriages, and that is modern men confusing the fad of being a 'sensitive man' with being a whiny, self-obsessed emotional deadweight.

When I was younger, I fully embraced being a sensitive man, to the point that I must have been the single most obnoxious creature in my friends' lives. In relationships, it was especially problematic, because I was never someone that my female counterpart could count on to be someone she could lean on. Looking back, I'm shocked that I was shocked when some of my old girlfriends wanted nothing more than to start fucking someone else. Anyone else.

Nowadays, I feel like I've found a balance. I still try to be sensitive to my wife's emotions (though, to her credit, she makes it very easy, as she's more balanced than most women when it comes to emotionalism and pragmatism) without letting my own spill out on her in a cascade of savage attention-getting. I'll try to relate to her and sympathize when needed, and I've found that by keeping myself more reserved and not blabbing incessantly about things that bother me, it's more impactful when I save those things for the moments when she needs me to empathize.

I've adopted a system in which I don't bother those around me with my problems unless it's something I absolutely need to, and I've benefited from it tremendously. I draw self-esteem from knowing that my friends and loved ones feel that they can count on me, and they feel like they can come to me with their problems without me hijacking the spotlight, as so many of today's whiny fucks masquerading in man clothes are prone to do.

To be fair, there are moments when I need external input. While I prefer the appearance of self-sufficiency (if I don't know, I'd rather research independently than let you know that I don't know something), there are moments in which it is clearly wisest to seek advice, and that is why I've surrounded myself with some amazing people, like my wife and closest friends, and I've been blessed with good, wise parents, as well.

I don't need to know everything, but I do need to know how to find all the answers on my own. I believe this to be the simplest separation between those who are competent and those who aren't.

However, I very much try to limit those moments, and ask myself, 'Do you really need to bother them?' Usually, when I think about it logically, the answer is a clear 'NO.'

Additionally, it helps a lot if you make good decisions. That way, you have less need to bother people with things weighing on your mind.

In short, I suck it up and act like a fucking man. There is no greater honor for a man than to be known as one who can be counted on by his wife, his children, his parents and siblings, his friends, and his coworkers. I learned a lot of this from other men who are older, more experienced, smarter, and better leaders than I am, at least at present.

Cut down on the problems in your life, and when something's bother you, run it through a filter and ask yourself if this something you can manage on your own. If so, move on. If not, then try to be concise and not the waste the other person's time with it for too long. Also, limit the number of people you bother with it. Everyone around you will thank you with their implicit trust and respect, whether they consciously realize it or not.

When you go home tonight, promise yourself that you're going to be the man that your wife and children deserve. She married you for a reason, and you have a duty to validate her decision.

Remember: she can always do better. No matter what man you are, or what woman she is, she can always do better than you.

Now go be a humble bad-ass.

Questions
Last week, I solicited questions from you all for Manly Monday, and I got two very good ones from ya'll.

The first one comes from JT in Chicago, and he asks:

I guess my only issue these days is trying to get back in shape. I dropped 20 pounds last year, but gained 7 or 8 back in the past couple of months. I know you struggle with that as well at times, so do you ever worry how weight gain could potentially affect your relationship?

Well, JT, first, lemme thank you for the question. It's no secret that many men succumb to weight gain once they commit to the mono-nail, and I think it's something that bothers those of us that are smart enough to recognize that it can have serious repercussions. Not only does being fat make you unfit to be a role model to your children, but it can kill you, and most lethally, it can lead your wife to desire someone who is not a disgusting butter ball of husky fail.

I worry about that shit all the time. I've recently started the Bodybugg program, and thus far, it's been going well. The main thing about it is that gives me a clear, concise interface for calories burned versus calories consumed. The device attaches to your arm, tracks your calories burnt, as well as when they were burnt, etc, so you can see what activities from which you're most benefiting. There's also an LCD wristband you can get that lets you see where you are in terms of what you need to burn in real-time, so you can adjust your caloric intake on the fly. You need to self-report on what you're eating, but there's a super-easy interface for entering existing foods, plus you can create new entries and store them for re-entering later. You plug in the device via USB, and it provides you with a great UI for analyzing your data. It's a great way for tech-heads like us to de-fatten.

Additionally, I've used it as something with which to partner with my wife. Even if your wife is nice and skinny, she can tone up while you drop your weight to something reasonable for a man that she might sully herself by sleeping with. Not only is it great to have someone you trust watching your back, but it can be fun and competitive.

Now, if you are staunchly opposed to losing weight (which I know you're not, but some idiots might be), here are some alternatives for you.

1 - Get so fat that they have to knock down a wall to airlift you out, and you can end up on a talk show.
2 - Tell your wife that you're just trying to make her feel better about her own weight.
3 - Remind your wife that if you crash on an island, mathematically, you can live the longest without food.
4 - Buy a girdle.

Hopefully, all that helps.

NEXT QUESTION!

This next one is from Adam in Minnesota (somewhere near the Twin Cities.)

I use a loofah and body wash in the shower. Do I need to hand over my testicles or can I still be considered a man? (p.s. I drive a Mini Cooper, in case that helps you decide.)

I don't know what a loofah is, but if you prefer to overpay for soap, please feel free. I pay less than a buck per bar of soap and less than a buck per bottle of shampoo, but this only means that I am better than you.

When it comes to shower maintenance, really, I rarely criticize other men, unless they're not getting clean enough (meaning your scent is offensive). While I don't spend a lot of money on my showering needs (because, ya know, I'm not a woman), I am rather obsessive about hygiene. And if wasting a bunch of money on feminine products gets ya as clean as I am, then...okay.

Now, let's see what a loofah is. Hang on.

Ah. I see.



Never mind. You're clearly gay, but chicks dig that.

Truth be told, every time my wife turns her nose up at videogames and sports, a little part of me wishes I was gay. How rad would it be to live with someone who shared my rampant appetite for games, sports, and fucking? Of course, I'm not terribly enthused about the actual gay sex, but if he had a lot of money, we might be able to find a compromise.

Of course, I like that my wife and I have about a 50/50 overlap, in which we cross over in about half of our own tastes, and then each have another 50% that is just each our own. It helps reinforce a lot of the themes of our marriage.

Anyway, Adam, I'd say Aymee probably married you for the man you are, and your closet homosexuality is clearly something that she embraces and loves about you.

In Other News

- don't forget that Tony and I are returning to the mics these next two weekends, to record two new episodes of Untitled Podcast: Collector's Edition. We'll be rapping about Tokyo Game Show this weekend and doing a full-on Holiday Preview the following weekend. Have any games you just gotta hear about? Drop 'em here!

- I've been rawking the new Pearl Jam album, Backspacer, which came out yesterday. Goddam, am I loving it. It's their most straight-forward, unforced album in years. It's my favorite since Binaural, and the first one that I can listen to all the way through since Yield. It's fan-fucking-tastic, and the best rock record that's been released this decade.

- tonight marks the return of Heroes and Castle. I must say that while I have issues with both, I'm eagerly looking forward to both. Castle had a reasonably decent first season, and I dig the concept (a writer assists a cop in murder investigations), so I'm eager to see what's in store this year. Heroes...hmm...it had that magical first season, issue-laden second season, and the third season was better than the second, but definitely lacked the spark of the first. If the trend of improvement persists into this season, I'm all in.

- tomorrow will be 'Techie Tuesday,' so ask away about anything even remotely tech-related, from computers to TVs to vibrators. Though you'd be better for it, I promise I won't post about Linux. The first time. I can promise there will be first-impressions on Ubuntu 9.10 when it hits next month, but for now, I won't bore you with things like Linux that will only improve your rather mundane existence. Maybe I'll talk shit about obnoxious fucking Mac users. We'll see. What do you wanna hear about from the tech column?

Lemme know about anything you wanna hear about in:

Manly Mondays
Techie Tuesdays
Writing Wednesdays
Thopical Thursdays (current events, sorta)
Fuck-Off Fridays

I'm taking any and all advice questions or topic suggestions, so HIT ME!

-Blaine

Fuck-Off Friday #1

And thus begins the weekend, soon.

It's a lovely 'Fuck Off Friday,' which means I'm just going to ramble here, either until I run out of time, or until I feel it's time to contract my (proverbial) mouth valve.

It's been nice to blog again, even if I find myself having to do it in quick spurts, almost when no one's looking. What's nice about that is that it compares even more sharply with masturbation, which illustrates the way I feel about most 'professional' bloggers.

Don't get me wrong, there are some damn good bloggers (or bloggists, as I prefer) out there, but many are low self-esteem-driven wankers with a thirst for attention. AT ANY COST!

Aaanyway, like I said, it's good to flex different writing muscles. Blogging is often a good counterbalance to my fiction writing, as it accesses different parts of the brain, and keeps my mind in shape.

Okay, now I'm tired of talking about that.

I've become utterly addicted to Buffy. I'd never seen the show before a month or so ago, as I had regarded the presentation as beyond stupid, but now I love it. On one hand, I love anything with robots/monsters/aliens, and on the other, it's like a snapshot of my high school years (though 'Buffy' was a freshman when I would have been a senior.)

The show does a great job of blending great comedy with real heart-string yanking teenage melodrama and cool supernatural material. It's one of the only 'high school' shows that doesn't make me want to choke the life out of the characters (well, except Xander, and it's because he's so well-written as a teenage douchebag.)

I might be binging on the rest of season 3 this weekend, but we'll see. I'm trying to lure my wife into watching it with me. I've considered waving my penis in front of one of my computer monitors while Hulu is loaded, but we'll see.

I'll also be hopping back into the Uncharted 2 multiplayer beta this weekend, so if you were smart enough to preorder the game, like me, I'll see ya there.

Otherwise, I'll be hanging out with my wife and son this weekend, maybe having a beer or two, and definitely not watching the blacked-out Rams game (thanks for the blatant greed, NFL!)

Oh, and you guys are gonna love the first Manly Monday post. Manly Mondays are going to be my weekly advice column, focusing on relationship advice for men. I can't wait to post the first entry.

So, some questions:

01 - What are your feelings on Buffy: the Vampire Slayer?
02 - What are your plans for the weekend?
03 - Any questions for me for Manly Monday?

Thanks, have a great weekend, and UNLEASH THE COMMENTS!

-Blaine

Thopical Thursday #1

That's 'thopical,' pronounced 'topical.' I had to think of something for Thursdays, and I knew I wanted to do at least one post per week that addressed 'current events.' Anyway...

Announcements

Podcast Tony and I are still taking requests for our upcoming TGS & Holiday Preview shows!


That Health Care Thing

So, you may have heard that we Americans have manufactured a new problem that allows to all hate each other even more. Remember when we could all get along and pretend like Ronald Reagan was actually a decent human being?* Those were good times. As long as you were on cocaine but still JUST SAYING NO.

* - Reagan was actually a reprehensible creature who ate Joe McCarthy's cock for breakfast and lied about his military service on the campaign trail; FYI

I remember rolling my eyes when Ken Starr became obsessed with Bill Clinton's penis and the Republicans all feigned indignation at President Clinton's preferred method of cigar storage. I was a teenager, and it was the first time I realized that politicians were grabbing onto something (in this case, the Presidential Wang) and bouncing up and down on it for political purposes, and none other. None of them gave a shit about his marriage. They just knew that there are millions of Americans who sit in front of their TVs, watching cable news, and await instructions.

Whether or not the President fucks his wife or another woman is none of my business, and it's none of yours. If you're eager to play the 'role model' card, don't. If you want your children to look up to career politicians as role models, you are one sick fuck, and probably shouldn't have reproduced.

And then there was that Bush problem. The guy was appointed to the presidency, instead of being elected (then, he was elected the second time, thanks to you assholes.)

What was most upsetting about the Bush presidency, aside from all the war crimes, the lack of open bidding on middle east construction contracts, the blending of religion and politics, the rape of civil rights, and having a mentally retarded monkey as president was the weakness of the Democrats.

Again, the Democratic politicians were almost as bad as their Republican counterparts. They lacked the outrage of the citizens they represented. So what did we all do? We were all so upset about having a war criminal as president that we all stood, up, raised our fists, and then sat right fucking back down again. We were so sickened by his behavior, and we were so clearly a majority that we rallied together, and put the career politicians right back in office. Great job, guys.

With Obama, we actually made a little progress. Getting McCain to opt out of his own values (he was once a pretty decent guy) was a genius move by the pig-fucking Republicans, but then they added Palin to the ticket, which pretty much delivered the middle-road conservatives to the Obama ticket.

So, Obama won, and the extremely vocal pro-hate minority went ape-shit. They clamored for ANYTHING, ANYTHING to scream about. Months went by, and they tried to blame him for the Dubya Depression. That didn't stick, since he wasn't in office the prior eight years, the eight years that had been preceded by Clinton & co. balancing the budget and fixing the economy (just sayin'). Then, it was Fannie Mae. That didn't stick. During all this, Obama decided to step up and actually do something GOOD with the presidency. The guy decided everyone should have health care.

I'm willing to bet that most conservatives won't openly advocate killing all the poor people. Not openly. Let me paint a picture for you, though.

People are willing to pay anything to keep living. -> The sky is the limit, therefore, when it comes to profiting off of the misery of others.

Medical industry makes HUGE money, doesn't want it to stop. -> They pressure the media folks they sponsor to rally the under-educated, anti-intellectual crowd, using buzzwords. In this case, they replaced 'terr-ist' with 'socialist.'

Fundamentalists and others with severe beliefs are instructed by their televisions to avoid intelligent debate at all costs, to merely shout rhetoric at Town Hall Meetings -> The motivated morons have no idea that there is no actual 'threat' of socialism, but they know they hate 'them thar queer inta-lek-shals who voted fer that thar black guy.' Sometimes, they don't say 'black guy.'

Democratic voters and Obama supporters are being bludgeoned on all sides by the same people they battled in message boards for the last 8 years -> They fall into the same trap as their retarded brethren, and get wrapped up in hurting the opponent, rather than addressing the issues.

This health care debate isn't at all about health care. It's about Bush and Obama, and the rift caused by the Republicans in 2000 & 2004.

Wrapping up, I want to point one thing out. There are some conservatives who don't hate poor people, who are asking the exact right question which is, 'Yes, health care is a good thing, but how are we going to pay for national health care?'

That is the only question we should be discussing right now. Why can't we all agree that we need to take care of each other, set our minds to it, and make it happen. We can do it, and it would've helped if a) we hadn't invaded Iraq and instead focused on catching Bin Laden (remember him?) and b) if we hadn't bailed out failing companies.

Anyway, just something to think about. Lemme know what you think.

-Blaine