I love technology, but I hate being fat. Those two statements go nearly hand in hand (except for you pretentious, skinny Mac apologists), which is unfortunate. We tech dudes have these brilliant minds, but our women become disgusted by us because we have become so fat that we are almost devolving into bloated masses that yap about how under-appreciated Linux is, or how humanity is utterly fucking itself by not being more aggressive with the space program, or how, deep in our overworked hearts, we know that Halo really isn't THAT great.
It's a tough balance, working in IT. While, generally, you are better than most people, it's hard to express that while they're staring at your hideous, jiggling, spherical form. I feel your pain, brother. You have so much to offer the world, but receive so little love. Your friends and parents 'help' by reminding you that you used to be a much better and more lovable person because you looked different than you look now, and your body shape was less embarrassing to them. Your wife suddenly develops a much greater interest in her nightly literature, and your penis, could you actually see it, now has cobwebs on it from disuse. You're not even entirely sure it's still there. Your children mock you and laugh at your immense girth.
It's time to make a change, bro. You're mad at all of them because the disdain and disappointment you see in their eyes is justified. You've failed. Every person's body is a marvel of organic technology, and you have been neglectful to your most important machine.
I feel your pain because I've failed in the exact same way. On my best days, I'm a fucking punchline to the worst fat joke you've ever heard.
Here's the good news: it's all in my control. I don't know if I just needed to get mad enough or what, but eating less has become much easier. The Bodybugg has been a tremendous help in tracking my progress, and giving me tangible goals, and a healthy dose of white-hot rage has definitely contributed, but I am the one who is making progress, I am the one who is limiting what I eat, I am the one getting on the treadmill when I need to, and I am the one who will reap the benefits of being athletic and sexy again.
What I'm really looking forward to is still being the super-smart, witty guy who's slightly technically inclined and very artistic, and then being a huge dick to people who treated me differently when I was 100 pounds overweight. I can't wait to be one of them, and then use it against them.
But, how to get there? How do we fat tech guys use our skillset to crush the skinny know-nothings under our Converse tennis shoes?
Well, here's what I've been doing.
First, you need a system. You should be good at this. Maybe use OpenOffice Calc or GoogleDocs to track your calorie intake. I've been using the aforementioned Bodybugg system, which is awesome since it attaches to my body and tracks my calorie burning while I enter my calorie intake, and also stores the values for any food I have to 'create' in the system (while it also already has a ton of existing foods).
Either way, design a system for yourself, but allow for some flexibility. Allow a system that is immediately challenging, but allows you some slack.
Let me put it this way. I initially started out by slashing my intake to 1000 calories and my activity to burning 3500. I knew that was an insane disparity, but it gave me a lot of room to ease into it. By honestly trying to limit how much I've been eating, and working toward that activity level, I've been able to hit an average of 3500 calories burnt per day, and have managed to come in it at less than 2000 per day, and the pounds have been coming off. Granted, this is for a very small sample size of two weeks, but I'm seeing more tangible results now than I've seen in any previous attempt at weight-loss. Every day, I am burning more calories than I'm consuming. Every day, I'm making progress.
The Bodybugg thing has been very helpful in getting it through my head that I can not only consume less than I burn, but that I can do so easily. I tend to shy away from things that take a lot of effort, and the initial pounds, because I'm so fat, have come off easily, which has fueled an even more fervent desire to shed even more pounds.
Additionally, I've worked hard to force myself to derive pleasure from things other than food. I think the main reason for my constant over-consumption is just that I enjoy delicious food waaay too much, and used it to self-medicate at times. By hammering at myself to stop counting on food as a pleasure source, it's decreased, and I do, honestly, enjoy it less. When I eat, I eat as fast as I can, to get it over with.
Back to the tech side, there's something about having to work with an interface several times a day that keeps me focused on attacking my fatness. My entering numbers and seeing graphs change, and moving sliders, I feel like I'm actively doing something helpful in regards to my weight.
Really, the Bodybugg has been fantastic and fun so far. What I'd do, though, if ya don't want to drop a bunch of money, is just aim for 1000 calories a day, but let yourself fail A LITTLE, if ya need. Just do that, and maintain your normal life otherwise.
The trade-off, though, has been my smoking. I was down to two smokes a day, but it's come back with a vengeance now. It's interesting to me that I never actually conquer anything. I always just shift the manifestation. Weird.
Also, to be a full geek, I love playing RPGs while I'm on the treadmill. It's perfect for turn-based RPGs like Lost Odyssey or any of the Final Fantasy games. I'm trying to get to a point where I only watch TV or play RPGs while I'm on the treadmill, but that's been hard on my knees.
Anyway, I'm six pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago, and plan on continuing the war. What about you? Are you a fat geek? What's your plan? Anyone out there actually recovered from their fatness?
Also, let me know if there's anything you want to hear about in regards to Writing Wednesday!
-Blaine
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Showing posts with label weight loss advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss advice. Show all posts
20090929
20090921
It's Monday and I'm Manly, or so I'm made to think
When I was in the conceptual stage for the new blog format, this was the first idea I had.
I've always wanted to pen an advice column, since there are few joys in this world greater than telling someone else they're doing something wrong since they're not doing it the way I do it.
That being said, you may be wanting to ask for my credentials. Why am I qualified to write this weekly advice-giving wankfest? Because my marriage is not in a shambolic state, which instantly separates from nearly everyone I know.
Let's get to it, shall we?
The first thing I want to address is something that I think is causing many of the problems in today's American marriages, and that is modern men confusing the fad of being a 'sensitive man' with being a whiny, self-obsessed emotional deadweight.
When I was younger, I fully embraced being a sensitive man, to the point that I must have been the single most obnoxious creature in my friends' lives. In relationships, it was especially problematic, because I was never someone that my female counterpart could count on to be someone she could lean on. Looking back, I'm shocked that I was shocked when some of my old girlfriends wanted nothing more than to start fucking someone else. Anyone else.
Nowadays, I feel like I've found a balance. I still try to be sensitive to my wife's emotions (though, to her credit, she makes it very easy, as she's more balanced than most women when it comes to emotionalism and pragmatism) without letting my own spill out on her in a cascade of savage attention-getting. I'll try to relate to her and sympathize when needed, and I've found that by keeping myself more reserved and not blabbing incessantly about things that bother me, it's more impactful when I save those things for the moments when she needs me to empathize.
I've adopted a system in which I don't bother those around me with my problems unless it's something I absolutely need to, and I've benefited from it tremendously. I draw self-esteem from knowing that my friends and loved ones feel that they can count on me, and they feel like they can come to me with their problems without me hijacking the spotlight, as so many of today's whiny fucks masquerading in man clothes are prone to do.
To be fair, there are moments when I need external input. While I prefer the appearance of self-sufficiency (if I don't know, I'd rather research independently than let you know that I don't know something), there are moments in which it is clearly wisest to seek advice, and that is why I've surrounded myself with some amazing people, like my wife and closest friends, and I've been blessed with good, wise parents, as well.
I don't need to know everything, but I do need to know how to find all the answers on my own. I believe this to be the simplest separation between those who are competent and those who aren't.
However, I very much try to limit those moments, and ask myself, 'Do you really need to bother them?' Usually, when I think about it logically, the answer is a clear 'NO.'
Additionally, it helps a lot if you make good decisions. That way, you have less need to bother people with things weighing on your mind.
In short, I suck it up and act like a fucking man. There is no greater honor for a man than to be known as one who can be counted on by his wife, his children, his parents and siblings, his friends, and his coworkers. I learned a lot of this from other men who are older, more experienced, smarter, and better leaders than I am, at least at present.
Cut down on the problems in your life, and when something's bother you, run it through a filter and ask yourself if this something you can manage on your own. If so, move on. If not, then try to be concise and not the waste the other person's time with it for too long. Also, limit the number of people you bother with it. Everyone around you will thank you with their implicit trust and respect, whether they consciously realize it or not.
When you go home tonight, promise yourself that you're going to be the man that your wife and children deserve. She married you for a reason, and you have a duty to validate her decision.
Remember: she can always do better. No matter what man you are, or what woman she is, she can always do better than you.
Now go be a humble bad-ass.
Questions
Last week, I solicited questions from you all for Manly Monday, and I got two very good ones from ya'll.
The first one comes from JT in Chicago, and he asks:
I guess my only issue these days is trying to get back in shape. I dropped 20 pounds last year, but gained 7 or 8 back in the past couple of months. I know you struggle with that as well at times, so do you ever worry how weight gain could potentially affect your relationship?
Well, JT, first, lemme thank you for the question. It's no secret that many men succumb to weight gain once they commit to the mono-nail, and I think it's something that bothers those of us that are smart enough to recognize that it can have serious repercussions. Not only does being fat make you unfit to be a role model to your children, but it can kill you, and most lethally, it can lead your wife to desire someone who is not a disgusting butter ball of husky fail.
I worry about that shit all the time. I've recently started the Bodybugg program, and thus far, it's been going well. The main thing about it is that gives me a clear, concise interface for calories burned versus calories consumed. The device attaches to your arm, tracks your calories burnt, as well as when they were burnt, etc, so you can see what activities from which you're most benefiting. There's also an LCD wristband you can get that lets you see where you are in terms of what you need to burn in real-time, so you can adjust your caloric intake on the fly. You need to self-report on what you're eating, but there's a super-easy interface for entering existing foods, plus you can create new entries and store them for re-entering later. You plug in the device via USB, and it provides you with a great UI for analyzing your data. It's a great way for tech-heads like us to de-fatten.
Additionally, I've used it as something with which to partner with my wife. Even if your wife is nice and skinny, she can tone up while you drop your weight to something reasonable for a man that she might sully herself by sleeping with. Not only is it great to have someone you trust watching your back, but it can be fun and competitive.
Now, if you are staunchly opposed to losing weight (which I know you're not, but some idiots might be), here are some alternatives for you.
1 - Get so fat that they have to knock down a wall to airlift you out, and you can end up on a talk show.
2 - Tell your wife that you're just trying to make her feel better about her own weight.
3 - Remind your wife that if you crash on an island, mathematically, you can live the longest without food.
4 - Buy a girdle.
Hopefully, all that helps.
NEXT QUESTION!
This next one is from Adam in Minnesota (somewhere near the Twin Cities.)
I use a loofah and body wash in the shower. Do I need to hand over my testicles or can I still be considered a man? (p.s. I drive a Mini Cooper, in case that helps you decide.)
I don't know what a loofah is, but if you prefer to overpay for soap, please feel free. I pay less than a buck per bar of soap and less than a buck per bottle of shampoo, but this only means that I am better than you.
When it comes to shower maintenance, really, I rarely criticize other men, unless they're not getting clean enough (meaning your scent is offensive). While I don't spend a lot of money on my showering needs (because, ya know, I'm not a woman), I am rather obsessive about hygiene. And if wasting a bunch of money on feminine products gets ya as clean as I am, then...okay.
Now, let's see what a loofah is. Hang on.
Ah. I see.
Never mind. You're clearly gay, but chicks dig that.
Truth be told, every time my wife turns her nose up at videogames and sports, a little part of me wishes I was gay. How rad would it be to live with someone who shared my rampant appetite for games, sports, and fucking? Of course, I'm not terribly enthused about the actual gay sex, but if he had a lot of money, we might be able to find a compromise.
Of course, I like that my wife and I have about a 50/50 overlap, in which we cross over in about half of our own tastes, and then each have another 50% that is just each our own. It helps reinforce a lot of the themes of our marriage.
Anyway, Adam, I'd say Aymee probably married you for the man you are, and your closet homosexuality is clearly something that she embraces and loves about you.
In Other News
- don't forget that Tony and I are returning to the mics these next two weekends, to record two new episodes of Untitled Podcast: Collector's Edition. We'll be rapping about Tokyo Game Show this weekend and doing a full-on Holiday Preview the following weekend. Have any games you just gotta hear about? Drop 'em here!
- I've been rawking the new Pearl Jam album, Backspacer, which came out yesterday. Goddam, am I loving it. It's their most straight-forward, unforced album in years. It's my favorite since Binaural, and the first one that I can listen to all the way through since Yield. It's fan-fucking-tastic, and the best rock record that's been released this decade.
- tonight marks the return of Heroes and Castle. I must say that while I have issues with both, I'm eagerly looking forward to both. Castle had a reasonably decent first season, and I dig the concept (a writer assists a cop in murder investigations), so I'm eager to see what's in store this year. Heroes...hmm...it had that magical first season, issue-laden second season, and the third season was better than the second, but definitely lacked the spark of the first. If the trend of improvement persists into this season, I'm all in.
- tomorrow will be 'Techie Tuesday,' so ask away about anything even remotely tech-related, from computers to TVs to vibrators. Though you'd be better for it, I promise I won't post about Linux. The first time. I can promise there will be first-impressions on Ubuntu 9.10 when it hits next month, but for now, I won't bore you with things like Linux that will only improve your rather mundane existence. Maybe I'll talk shit about obnoxious fucking Mac users. We'll see. What do you wanna hear about from the tech column?
Lemme know about anything you wanna hear about in:
Manly Mondays
Techie Tuesdays
Writing Wednesdays
Thopical Thursdays (current events, sorta)
Fuck-Off Fridays
I'm taking any and all advice questions or topic suggestions, so HIT ME!
-Blaine
I've always wanted to pen an advice column, since there are few joys in this world greater than telling someone else they're doing something wrong since they're not doing it the way I do it.
That being said, you may be wanting to ask for my credentials. Why am I qualified to write this weekly advice-giving wankfest? Because my marriage is not in a shambolic state, which instantly separates from nearly everyone I know.
Let's get to it, shall we?
The first thing I want to address is something that I think is causing many of the problems in today's American marriages, and that is modern men confusing the fad of being a 'sensitive man' with being a whiny, self-obsessed emotional deadweight.
When I was younger, I fully embraced being a sensitive man, to the point that I must have been the single most obnoxious creature in my friends' lives. In relationships, it was especially problematic, because I was never someone that my female counterpart could count on to be someone she could lean on. Looking back, I'm shocked that I was shocked when some of my old girlfriends wanted nothing more than to start fucking someone else. Anyone else.
Nowadays, I feel like I've found a balance. I still try to be sensitive to my wife's emotions (though, to her credit, she makes it very easy, as she's more balanced than most women when it comes to emotionalism and pragmatism) without letting my own spill out on her in a cascade of savage attention-getting. I'll try to relate to her and sympathize when needed, and I've found that by keeping myself more reserved and not blabbing incessantly about things that bother me, it's more impactful when I save those things for the moments when she needs me to empathize.
I've adopted a system in which I don't bother those around me with my problems unless it's something I absolutely need to, and I've benefited from it tremendously. I draw self-esteem from knowing that my friends and loved ones feel that they can count on me, and they feel like they can come to me with their problems without me hijacking the spotlight, as so many of today's whiny fucks masquerading in man clothes are prone to do.
To be fair, there are moments when I need external input. While I prefer the appearance of self-sufficiency (if I don't know, I'd rather research independently than let you know that I don't know something), there are moments in which it is clearly wisest to seek advice, and that is why I've surrounded myself with some amazing people, like my wife and closest friends, and I've been blessed with good, wise parents, as well.
I don't need to know everything, but I do need to know how to find all the answers on my own. I believe this to be the simplest separation between those who are competent and those who aren't.
However, I very much try to limit those moments, and ask myself, 'Do you really need to bother them?' Usually, when I think about it logically, the answer is a clear 'NO.'
Additionally, it helps a lot if you make good decisions. That way, you have less need to bother people with things weighing on your mind.
In short, I suck it up and act like a fucking man. There is no greater honor for a man than to be known as one who can be counted on by his wife, his children, his parents and siblings, his friends, and his coworkers. I learned a lot of this from other men who are older, more experienced, smarter, and better leaders than I am, at least at present.
Cut down on the problems in your life, and when something's bother you, run it through a filter and ask yourself if this something you can manage on your own. If so, move on. If not, then try to be concise and not the waste the other person's time with it for too long. Also, limit the number of people you bother with it. Everyone around you will thank you with their implicit trust and respect, whether they consciously realize it or not.
When you go home tonight, promise yourself that you're going to be the man that your wife and children deserve. She married you for a reason, and you have a duty to validate her decision.
Remember: she can always do better. No matter what man you are, or what woman she is, she can always do better than you.
Now go be a humble bad-ass.
Questions
Last week, I solicited questions from you all for Manly Monday, and I got two very good ones from ya'll.
The first one comes from JT in Chicago, and he asks:
I guess my only issue these days is trying to get back in shape. I dropped 20 pounds last year, but gained 7 or 8 back in the past couple of months. I know you struggle with that as well at times, so do you ever worry how weight gain could potentially affect your relationship?
Well, JT, first, lemme thank you for the question. It's no secret that many men succumb to weight gain once they commit to the mono-nail, and I think it's something that bothers those of us that are smart enough to recognize that it can have serious repercussions. Not only does being fat make you unfit to be a role model to your children, but it can kill you, and most lethally, it can lead your wife to desire someone who is not a disgusting butter ball of husky fail.
I worry about that shit all the time. I've recently started the Bodybugg program, and thus far, it's been going well. The main thing about it is that gives me a clear, concise interface for calories burned versus calories consumed. The device attaches to your arm, tracks your calories burnt, as well as when they were burnt, etc, so you can see what activities from which you're most benefiting. There's also an LCD wristband you can get that lets you see where you are in terms of what you need to burn in real-time, so you can adjust your caloric intake on the fly. You need to self-report on what you're eating, but there's a super-easy interface for entering existing foods, plus you can create new entries and store them for re-entering later. You plug in the device via USB, and it provides you with a great UI for analyzing your data. It's a great way for tech-heads like us to de-fatten.
Additionally, I've used it as something with which to partner with my wife. Even if your wife is nice and skinny, she can tone up while you drop your weight to something reasonable for a man that she might sully herself by sleeping with. Not only is it great to have someone you trust watching your back, but it can be fun and competitive.
Now, if you are staunchly opposed to losing weight (which I know you're not, but some idiots might be), here are some alternatives for you.
1 - Get so fat that they have to knock down a wall to airlift you out, and you can end up on a talk show.
2 - Tell your wife that you're just trying to make her feel better about her own weight.
3 - Remind your wife that if you crash on an island, mathematically, you can live the longest without food.
4 - Buy a girdle.
Hopefully, all that helps.
NEXT QUESTION!
This next one is from Adam in Minnesota (somewhere near the Twin Cities.)
I use a loofah and body wash in the shower. Do I need to hand over my testicles or can I still be considered a man? (p.s. I drive a Mini Cooper, in case that helps you decide.)
I don't know what a loofah is, but if you prefer to overpay for soap, please feel free. I pay less than a buck per bar of soap and less than a buck per bottle of shampoo, but this only means that I am better than you.
When it comes to shower maintenance, really, I rarely criticize other men, unless they're not getting clean enough (meaning your scent is offensive). While I don't spend a lot of money on my showering needs (because, ya know, I'm not a woman), I am rather obsessive about hygiene. And if wasting a bunch of money on feminine products gets ya as clean as I am, then...okay.
Now, let's see what a loofah is. Hang on.
Ah. I see.
Never mind. You're clearly gay, but chicks dig that.
Truth be told, every time my wife turns her nose up at videogames and sports, a little part of me wishes I was gay. How rad would it be to live with someone who shared my rampant appetite for games, sports, and fucking? Of course, I'm not terribly enthused about the actual gay sex, but if he had a lot of money, we might be able to find a compromise.
Of course, I like that my wife and I have about a 50/50 overlap, in which we cross over in about half of our own tastes, and then each have another 50% that is just each our own. It helps reinforce a lot of the themes of our marriage.
Anyway, Adam, I'd say Aymee probably married you for the man you are, and your closet homosexuality is clearly something that she embraces and loves about you.
In Other News
- don't forget that Tony and I are returning to the mics these next two weekends, to record two new episodes of Untitled Podcast: Collector's Edition. We'll be rapping about Tokyo Game Show this weekend and doing a full-on Holiday Preview the following weekend. Have any games you just gotta hear about? Drop 'em here!
- I've been rawking the new Pearl Jam album, Backspacer, which came out yesterday. Goddam, am I loving it. It's their most straight-forward, unforced album in years. It's my favorite since Binaural, and the first one that I can listen to all the way through since Yield. It's fan-fucking-tastic, and the best rock record that's been released this decade.
- tonight marks the return of Heroes and Castle. I must say that while I have issues with both, I'm eagerly looking forward to both. Castle had a reasonably decent first season, and I dig the concept (a writer assists a cop in murder investigations), so I'm eager to see what's in store this year. Heroes...hmm...it had that magical first season, issue-laden second season, and the third season was better than the second, but definitely lacked the spark of the first. If the trend of improvement persists into this season, I'm all in.
- tomorrow will be 'Techie Tuesday,' so ask away about anything even remotely tech-related, from computers to TVs to vibrators. Though you'd be better for it, I promise I won't post about Linux. The first time. I can promise there will be first-impressions on Ubuntu 9.10 when it hits next month, but for now, I won't bore you with things like Linux that will only improve your rather mundane existence. Maybe I'll talk shit about obnoxious fucking Mac users. We'll see. What do you wanna hear about from the tech column?
Lemme know about anything you wanna hear about in:
Manly Mondays
Techie Tuesdays
Writing Wednesdays
Thopical Thursdays (current events, sorta)
Fuck-Off Fridays
I'm taking any and all advice questions or topic suggestions, so HIT ME!
-Blaine
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