Yes, I haven't posted since August. Things got really, really busy on a professional level, and like a professional, I had to triage my personal life. One of the easiest things to discard, albeit temporarily, is this blog.
That being said, things have settled down a bit, for now, and I'm slowly coming to trust reality again. There were a couple weeks there where I was so worn down that I was literally having to devote energy into not poisoning my own thoughts. I know it sounds like crazy psycho-babble, but most people let a single event shape their perception of something, rather than letting the average experience from a large sample size inform their perspective. In this case, I was fighting against an extremely tough week that came after 6-8 hard weeks, and my mind wanted to blame 'the job.' My mind wanted to paint 'the job' in a very negative light, and hate it, and fear it, and just do whatever it took to get away from it.
That would've been stupid. My rational mind, though it was broken and bleeding, kept reminding me, 'you have a really great job.'
I'm a system administrator, in case you didn't know, and it's the best damn job in the world. It's hard, hard work, but it's always interesting, always changing, there's no college degree for it, and it makes you one of the elite that literally run the world.
Anyway, being a sysadmin is weird in that the job ramps up and down, seemingly at random. If shit is gonna break, it's gonna break one after another for a few weeks or months, and then things will be quiet for a few weeks or months. It's this way in the corporate world, at least. In the academic world, it's a little more predictable.
Getting back to the point, though, one of the hardest things to do is maintain a rational, detached perspective. It's like my dad always says, 'Quit being so fucking emotional.' Good advice.
But, if you're anything like me, you're a passionate person and you've made it this far due in part to the fact that you're a passionate person. Your emotions are what help propel you, but you have to know that they can work against you, too.
What I've found is that the higher you go, the more selective you have to be about when it's appropriate to let yourself really feel, and when it's not. It's okay to be a Klingon sometimes, but you have to be straight-up Vulcan at other times.
What's difficult is that we live in a time in which society insists that we cry, laugh, and express our true selves all the time, and even thinking about just shutting your damn mouth and shoving your feelings down is anathema, even nearly heretical, in this day and age.
See, I think that's stupid. I can't function in this world if I'm giving in to my feelings all the time, or even allowing myself to feel them. I have to be selective, or I can't be a productive, reasoned person.
A big part of the reason why I have a healthy marriage is I know when my feelings are wrong.
A big part of the reason that I've been able to salvage my professional life to the point where I'm working a 'real' job (I even have a cubicle) is I'm learning when to shut my mouth and turn my feelings off.
A big part of the reason that I have a few really great friends is because I'm getting better and better at not being that asshole that hijacks the conversation and makes it all about me when they need to talk something out.
I refuse to be one of the mewling, whimpering 'sensitive' guys. I'd rather be a man that has some goddam pride in himself.
Now, before one of you sensitive guys start crying and shrieking in the comments, let me frame all this in the context that I'm a strong believer in 'balance.' All things in this life must be balanced, including what I'm saying here. I've actually cried in front of my wife once or twice, and when I wasn't a drunk attention whore, it was for good reason. Passion and feelings are necessary to life, but I don't think people should be governed solely by them. Logic and reason MUST be able to override them if one is to truly enjoy life.
All things in balance.
I'd like to get back to writing more. I'm also thinking about posting over at Untitled Gaming again. Been doing a lot of gaming lately to help 'clear the mechanism'.
-Blaine
BTW - You should buy either a book or an ebook!
On sale now!
